Warning: this article may contain content that is distressing for some readers.
A man accused of killing a Muslim family in London in 2021 has admitted he's remorseful.
Nathaniel Veltman, 22, told his defence lawyer while being questioned during his fourth day of testimony at Ontario Superior Court in Windsor on Tuesday that he's remorseful.
"Yes I know what I did was horrible," said Veltman.
Talat Afzaal, 74, her son Salman Afzaal, 46, his wife Madiha Salman, 44, and their daughter Yumnah, 15, were all killed. Their son, who was nine at the time, was the only survivor.
Veltman has pleaded not guilty to four counts of terrorism-motivated first-degree murder and one count of terrorism motivated attempted murder.
He said he looked directly at Salman Afzaal on June 6, 2021, stepped on the gas and went.
However, Veltman said he started to doubt if the attack on Afzaal family was justified because the arresting officer told him someone died. He said he was brainstorming reasons to justify the attack on the Afzaal family after he was booked by London police but couldn't, adding he was trying to justify the attacks and deaths so they wouldn't be a "senseless atrocity."
"There is no way to justify it," he told the jury.
He also heard that four people died and immediately thought "Oh my God, not only do I have to justify the deaths of four people, but I have to justify the death of a child as well."
He said he became more tormented after starting to get back in touch with reality, adding that he was confused driving around London before the attack, had a sick feeling wondering what he was doing, and felt like he was in a dream.
"My mind was a mess. I was not thinking clearly. Something was wrong," the jury heard.
Veltman said he tried to fight off the urge to crash into the victims but couldn't.
"I have to make this end. If I act on it, I can be free," he said.
Veltman said he needed to turn himself in after the attack before he did it again and turned into a mall parking lot to surrender.
"I'm not doing anything else. I'm done," he said as he knelt down on the ground and waited for police to arrive.
Veltman also told the court he decided he wasn't going to run at police with his knife and end his life [suicide by police] and took his knife out of the sheath and put it on ground.
"This is not the internet anymore, this is reality," he said referring to the "obsession" of watching videos daily about what he called "Muslim grooming gangs."
Veltman said he felt detached from reality before the attack and conflicted because Christianity doesn't condone murder, adding he decided to stop being Christian at that moment.
"I'm going to make this end and gave in to the urge," said Veltman. "I tried to stop at the last second but couldn't. It's too late. I remember feeling this massive shock...Oh God I did this. It's no longer a thought. I remember driving away as fast as I could. I didn't want to see what I did."
He also said that during a second police interview on June 7, 2021 with little sleep or food that he realized the seriousness of what he did.
"I was starting to shut down. I couldn't process what I did," he said.
Veltman also told the court that he went to the Elgin Middlesex Detention Centre and was on suicide watch in solitary confinement for two or three weeks, adding he was mistreated because of his charges.
The Crown started its cross examination Tuesday afternoon trying to paint a picture of Veltman's mindset before the attack.
He admitted he was the author of a manifesto called "A White Awakening", saying he didn't have an audience in mind and was just venting about the "Islamization of the West" causing cultural and religious conflict and Muslim brutality on Whites under-reported by the media.
Veltman told the jury he believed the conspiracy theory that non-white immigration is replacing Whites because of their low birth rates, admitted that watching the mass shooting in Christchurch, New Zealand calmed him down because he saw someone taking action, and admitted that he was racist at the time, but claimed Muslims are "secretly" racist too.
When pushed by the Crown, Veltman denied ever fantasizing about a White Utopia to be happy.
He said he finally let his guard down in March 2021 and started watching videos he previously intentionally avoided, started believing alt-right views at 18 years of age, and started consuming right wing materials in 2019.
Veltman said he was suicidal at 12 years old and again at 19, was recently diagnosed with autism and mental issues and said his parents thought he was using Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) behavior at 11 years old as an excuse. He said he finally sought counseling but refused to name the therapist when asked by the Crown. He did say he's on medication for OCD and depression and they "numb his emotions".
Veltman also admitted to taking magic mushrooms in high school, smoking weed daily, and drinking alcohol, adding drugs and alcohol became a problem when he was 16.
The jury heard he moved out of his parents house at 15 and heard him admit to being socially awkward growing up.
The Crown's cross-examination continues on Wednesday at 10 a.m.